Friday, September 3, 2010

Newton's Law Of Motion - Auld Rasmie Style.

Newton's Law of Motion states that, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Well I think I've proved this to be true tonight.
It started with a rather annoying house fly, and my desire to kill the little pest. I lined up my arsenal of weapons especially designed for the purpose. A rolled up Vestnes Avisa (the local weekly newspaper), a heavy elastic band (which is actually one of these heavy rubber charity wrist bands), and just in case those failed I also had a slipper close to hand.
My strategy was simple. Don't go hunting for the little sod, after all it had been bugging me for hours so all I had to do was sit there and wait for the pest to come to me.
This strategy was perhaps my downfall. There I was sitting on the couch, bored with my reading material (the afore mentioned Vestnes Avisa), nothing on TV worth watching, no Peerie Trowie to talk to since she's on late shift, and no damned fly coming within striking distance.
So I let my concentration wander towards a glass of red wine. In other words I had a glass of wine and my mind started to wander. It was good so I poured a second glass, then to break the boredom I decided that a great way of killing time would be to have a shave.
I now realise that it is possible that the buzzing of my razor attracted the fly. But either way the little sod had appeared and decided to sit on the rim of my wine glass.
Of course I know what you're thinking. No, you're wrong, I didn't knock over the wine glass.
When I saw the fly I set down my shaving mirror and grabbed my heavy elastic band, ready to strike when the fly moved to a safer position, which it soon did. The fly moved to sit on the shaving mirror, Easy target...
And, no, you're wrong again I didn't break the mirror. Well only temporarily. The mirror is one of the plastic jobs which is mounted on a swivel with a standard view on one side and a magnified view on the other side.

The fly was poised in a perfect position near the top of the mirror so I took aim with my elastic band.
Hit the fly dead centre, I thought. The mirror span around like a kids toy, jumped off it's swivel, and landed several feet away. At this point I was very relieved that the wife wasn't in, she would have crapped herself at the sight of a mirror spinning like a tossed coin towards the front of her china cabinet.

So, having retrieved and reassembled the mirror, and retrieved my elasticated weapon, I settled back in the couch in the certain knowledge that the score was Auld Rasmie 1 - Fly 0

Wrong...... I had forgotten about Newton's Law. The reaction to my action had still to come.

Sitting there all smug and delighted with the success of my anti-fly campaign, I picked up my glass of wine and took a big swig.

Do you have any idea what a half dead house fly feels like when it's floating in red wine, which you are swilling around you mouth to savour the flavour? And, what it feels like, during this wine swilling process, when said fly gets stuck under your dentures?
Well God forbid you ever find out, but I think I'll stick with white wine in future. I'll see the fly easier.

Yun's aa fir enoo.... (Going to wash my mouth out with some anti-fly somethingorother)

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